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it hurts me more than it hurts you

 
he killed me with cute earlier so i repaid him
by sucking his brains out.


the hardest  part of mommying, by far, for me, is when i have to do something to john that i know is in his best interest, but that in his undeveloped worldview amounts to torturing him. it started when we went back into the hospital for his jaundice - getting his little heel pricked 2-3 times a day so they could check the bilirubin levels, while he screamed bloody murder ... we got a little used to it, eventually: fewer screams and more whimpers from him, fewer tears and more grimaces from me.

and he's never liked having his nose cleaned out. can't imagine why - surely every newly sentient being should look forward to having a strange plastic bulb jacked into his unsuspecting nostril, and suction being applied to pull snot forcibly from his sinuses. that sounds like my idea of a day at the park, for sure.

and it only gets worse. now that he has more control over his body, he bucks and kicks, he tosses his head and smacks at my hands while i try to clean his little nose out. tonight he had me in tears, his pitiful horrible screams echoing endlessly through my ears as i tried to console him and tell him, "truly my love, i'm only trying to make you more comfortable, i promise you'll like the results." (note to self: reason is not a six-month-old's strong suit.)

he's sleeping now. amazing what a little "night-night milks" will help that same screaming six-month-old forgive. i always heard parents say "it hurts me more than it hurts you" but i never really understood that 'til now.

forgive your mama, john. she loves you so!
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