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dichotomy

refueling the mower. complete with "glug glug" sounds.

yesterday i found myself in a bit of a funk. nothing was wrong that i could identify.  i didn't even feel sad, exactly. i just felt sort of perpetually on the verge of tears. when i find myself off balance like that, i think it's important to examine it, to push on the bruise a little, to taste those tears and see from whence they spring.

so examine i did, and i found at the root of it all my ever-present dichotomy: john's mom works.

i am not sure why this is such a sticky wicket for me. i love my job - both what i do, and the organization and people for whom i do it. i love the opportunities to be creative. i have chosen the right career path, because i find my work truly fulfilling and satisfying and - dare i say it - fun.

but from time to time, i have a spell of wishing i could stay home with john. it makes me sad to think of other people spending so much more time with him than i do. i long to play and teach and learn and run and dance and sing with him all day. i ache to snuggle him down to a nap so i can go take care of other household things. 

and i know it's not pc to say that, and some will say that i should worry that my employer is reading this blog. but the reality is, i AM a mom who works out of the home. we've made a conscious, intentional, directed decision that it's in our family's best interest for me to work. and i'm wholly on-board with that decision, and all that it means for our family today and in the future.

but nothing worth doing is ever easy. so today ... well. i'd rather be home playing basketball with the bug.
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