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oh, hair

john getting himself ready for school.
is it vain or shallow for me to be sad that i had to undo my purple hair last night? i'm struggling a little bit with why i care so much. (yesterday i was informed that company policy forbids non-natural colored hair. that's not how i read the policy - i checked before the dye job - but of course i am not going to fight it and so i dyed it brownish reddish something or other last night.)

it shouldn't matter to me what color my hair is. i know who i am in my heart. i know that i am a little bit rockstar, even if i don't have rockstar color in my hair. (and john knows it too - i asked him if mommy was still rockstar and he said YES!) heck, it doesn't matter if i have hair at all - i have shaved it all off before and still felt beautiful and feminine.

and it's not as though my hair looks awful now - it's just much more normal. 

i think i just feel sad because i was so excited about this particular self-expression. the timing of it seemed so right with all that is going on in my internal world right now. and i felt so affirmed by most of the reactions i was receiving from people - they were GETTING it, understanding my "message." 

so, my challenge for myself: find other outlets for that particular self-expression. don't let this make me sad; instead, transform it into a new inspiration to be slightly off-the-wall, a little off-center, and a lot myself. 

here's to hoping. and one day, john, ONE DAY - your mama will get to have her blue hair for more than a day or two. just for principle.
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