do it by self

"i take my pants off!"

like so many two year olds, john is going through an "i do it" phase. from getting in and out of the car to removing his clothes before a bath to washing his hands to pretty much anything, he wants to do it. he doesn't usually pitch a fit if you try to help him, he just says emphatically, "i do it by self!"

and sometimes i just have to remind myself: you wanted this! when he was too little to help get in and out of his own clothes, you were anxious for him to learn. you were excited when he first held that bottle to feed himself. you wanted him to grow.

and i do, i do. i do want him to grow. but the more he can do "by self" the less he needs me. the more independent he becomes, the less likely he is to want to hold and hug and kiss and snuggle, and i love the hold and hug and kiss and snuggle parts of being a mama so much.

i'm in luck, though. in between fits of "by self," john loves the snuggling too. and sometimes out of nowhere, he'll just lean against me and say, "mama" in sort of a plaintive pitiful way that just makes me want to hold him forever. "mama, hold," he'll say, and look at me with big blue eyes.

or, "mommy, sit with us!" as he snuggles onto the couch to watch a movie.

or best yet, still in that plaintive little voice, "i love you, mama."

and then i remember - i DO want him to grow. and he will always need his mama for something.

"come sit with us!"