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| my beautiful bitty. |
this was going to be a post about my wonderful day on martin luther king day, and how charlie and i spent our day as a "nursing holiday" and had such a great time.
instead, i would like to tell you the story of the scariest night in my life as a mom.
most importantly, everyone is ok, uninjured, and totally fine. know that right up front.
yesterday a little after 5:30pm, i was walking through the living room carrying charlie when i tripped. and i dropped charlie.
he hit the ground with the most horrible thud i have ever heard in my life. and he instantly started screaming, which i know is actually a good sign.
so i scooped him him up to comfort him and calm him. he was breathing VERY fast, so i tried to nurse him, thinking that would help calm him down. he wanted none of it ... and then he just went limp and stopped. no crying. no wiggling. completely nonresponsive.
i immediately called 911. they dispatched an ambulance and while i waited, i called my husband out of an important meeting and told him he had to come home. i promised to call him and tell him where the ambulance was going to take us.
and then i held my unresponding 3.5 month old, checking to be sure he was breathing ... afraid to move him much in case he was really injured ... truly fearing he was going to die in my arms. i pray that no mother i know ever has to feel that feeling. even knowing now that it was a dramatic response and he's fine, it makes me want to puke to remember it.
in the four minutes it took for the firemen to get there, john was my hero. he put on his own shoes without fuss. he went and got mommy's "fast shoes" so i could put them on and be ready to go. when the ambulance arrived, he put buddy in his kennel so he wouldn't be in the way.
i handed my poor love to the firemen, who quickly checked him out. he started to respond to their stimuli, and stirred in their arms. he cracked his eyes open and fussed, then went silent. they checked him head to toe and confirmed that there were no traumatic injuries to his head or body.
they handed him back to me, assuring me that he seemed to be ok. they explained that oftentimes when an infant has a traumatic experience, they sort of hyperventilate and make themselves pass out. that jives with what happened. they were kind and compassionate and answered a million questions about what to be on the lookout for, how to tell if he was ok, what to be afraid of and what was normal recovery. they said they would transport him to the hospital if i wanted, but that they didn't think it was necessary. i asked what they would do if it was their child, and each said that they would just watch at home -- and that if they were really worried, they would be pushing me to let them transport him.
so i said no, we would watch him. and they left. as the ambulance left, my poor frazzled husband arrived, having made the drive home in record time. i explained, charlie continued to stir more, and finally within 15-20 minutes charlie seemed to be really awake.
i sat down to nurse him and totally lost it. i have never sobbed so hard. i feel so much guilt for dropping him. for not protecting him. for letting him fall. i will never unheard the sound of impact, or unsee his little body laying on the carpet.
by bedtime charlie was pretty much his normal self, if a little angstier than usual. this morning he was totally back to normal -- giggling, smiling, nursing happily. he is fine. we are all fine.
and i know i will be fine emotionally, too. i know it will take some time but that it will be ok. i KNOW that.
but please say some prayers for us, that i might forgive myself, that i might be able to let go of my fear and sorrow and guilt.
and please say prayers for mamas everywhere who have to experience those moments of thinking their child is lost -- and most especially for those who are right. i saw just a corner of that last night, just a tiny speck of the darkness. and it is horrible.
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