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this is 38


this is 38.

grocery store sushi and cake, 8pm, alone.

and for a minute, i let it feel every bit that sad and blue. because honestly, sometimes things feel sad and blue. and one thing i am learning is that i can't deny that sad and blue. i gotta sit with it, feel it, cry a tear or three in my mediocre cake, and just be.

this is 38.

i am not 100% sure what i expected, but i had high hopes of a lovely birthday evening with my fellas, and instead i picked up the three crankiest angriest bullyingest boys in the universe when i went to the daycare. they were mean to each other and didn't want anything to do with anything i had to say. and instead of enjoying hanging out, we argued and fought and they went to bed unhappy and i sat down for my un-exciting birthday dinner, alone.

but another thing i am learning is that routine is my friend.

so i started my evening routine, finding my rhythm. a few minutes of sweeping and cleaning. a few minutes of prep for tomorrow, lunches packed and coffee at the ready. reduce some clutter by hanging a picture that's been leaning on the wall; take the garbage out and put away the dry dishes.

and somewhere in there, i heard something from the john and charlie's shared room -- hysterical, gleeful, giggling laughter. somehow those monkeys reconciled and were telling each other jokes and stories and cracking themselves up. i didn't want to interrupt, so i sat outside their door and i won't lie, i cried. i love those terrific assholes so much. i am so happy to have them under my roof.

this is 38.

and their laughter reminded me of the ridiculous cackles i shared with a beautiful friend who took me to lunch and pedicures today. which made me think of the incredible dinner prepared for me last night by another friend, and the intense and beautiful conversation i shared with her and her husband. and i started to look forward to breakfast with yet another friend tomorrow.

and i thought of all the people i love who love me and who have just shown up for me on my birthday, even though this birthday looks a lot different than others have before and even though my birthday itself comes during a time that is historically a little emotionally dicey for me.

and i felt not so much alone.

this is 38.

and perhaps the biggest thing i am learning is that, when i am not alone, i love being by myself.

so i took a bath (no glitter thanks) and read a book and drank some tea.

and i decided, 38 is going to be pretty amazing, one way or another. there's a lot of uncertainty right now -- but i'm down for the journey.

this is 38.

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