in june 2010, our lives got turned upside down in the best possible way: the birth of our awesome kiddo, john. in october 2013, brother charlie charged into our life to change the status quo again. and june 2016 brought us brother ben to round out our trio.

i'm proud to have "mom" at the top of the list of titles on my resume, but i'm also still a hard-working professional. how does a working mom juggle work and family? ride along with me and see if i can figure it out!

Sunday, January 30, 2011

a whole-family update

so much has happened these past few days, not least of all:
my name is bella.


bella is a not quite 3-year-old lab we just adopted. her former family kept her outside in a nice big fenced yard, and she had a nice shed to stay in for nighttime, but the family recently had a baby and they haven't had enough time to play with her lately, so they elected to find her a new family.

enter the heids. she's a doll of a dog, and we can't wait until she gets a little more settled into her new home. our biggest obstacle right now? she's not fixed yet. we'll be fixing her very soon, but right now, she's in heat. thus:

have you ever seen such fashionable
panties on a lab?






i grant you it's a temporary solution, but the heat is a temporary situation, so we'll make do! she's otherwise very sweet, albeit unused to living in a house and so needs some training. she's smart and sweet tho, so i think we'll do just fine.

in sleep news, john had been doing great, but last night was terrible. woke up at midnight and wasn't fully settled until 1 a.m. woke again at 5 a.m. and ate, then woke again at 7:00 a.m. and didn't settle until about 7:45 a.m. so mom is pretty exhausted ... oh did i mention i had a party last night for my mom's birthday, with about 25 guests? yes, the same day we adopted the dog. it was wild. but very fun. and mom had a great time, and is now en route back to maryland.

between sleep training and house training and the party, i've been chasing a puppy and listening to sobbing tears and entertaining and playing darts and somewhere in there trying to do laundry and yes visit with my husband who i feel like i've barely seen in a week ...

but i wouldn't trade a bit of it. welcome to the crazy family, miss bella.

Friday, January 28, 2011

not a fluke

 
either another dr. seuss character
or a little convict. i'll let you guess
which description i prefer.

i didn't say anything yesterday because i didn't want to jinx it. but last night it happened too ...

john slept through the night! 9pm to 6 or 630am both nights! ::doing a little energetic dance::

on wednesday night, he cried for a while when i put him to bed - i had to check on him twice. and last night came with a few little whimpers but no wailing. i woke up around 3am both nights, but it was me waking up, thinking, ok, he's going to cry any moment now ...

but he didn't. and i fell back asleep. it was awesome.

as an aside: john's grammy (my mom) is in town. (that shouldn't be an aside but it's own post - more tomorrow perhaps?) and today is grammy's birthday. so - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRAMMY!

tomorrow is a big day: meeting a potential new fur baby, trip with grammy to the zoo, grammy's birthday party in the evening.

hope we sleep well tonight. ;)


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

quick update

9:15 p.m.   into the crib while awake. no crying ... out cold in a few minutes.

2:06 a.m.  woke up crying.

2:11 a.m.  mom soothed for 1 minute

2:19 a.m. crying stops

2:20 a.m. - 2:35 a.m.   occasional yelps, but mostly sleeping

2:36 a.m.   out cold

7:35 a.m.   
my very own little dr. seuss character

 


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

i'm furberizing my baby

ok, let's get this straight right off the bat: i don't know if i am literally following dr. furber's methods of sleep training. there are so many versions out there. but saying we're furberizing john is WAY more fun than saying that i'm letting him cry his little lungs out in an attempt to teach him to sleep on his own.

it's night two of our efforts. he went right to sleep last night, which was great. and he slept for 5.25 hours (!!!!) before waking up at 2:30 a.m. when he woke up crying, i let him cry for 5 minutes before going in to soothe him. (the soothing barely works at all, by the way, but it's what i'm supposed to do ...) then i let him cry for 10 more minutes before going in to soothe him again. next on the agenda was a 15 minute stretch of crying - but he fell asleep after 8 minutes. so a sum total of 22 minutes of crying. not too bad for night two. i've heard night three can be the worst ... so we'll hold on to our hats tonight.

meantime, this is the face i woke up to this morning:

do i have to get up?
on the plus side, after a little playing and a cool pair of grey pants, here's that same child 2 minutes later:

marky mark, eat your heart
out. i AM the funky bunch.
one of the very hardest things i've ever done is sit in the room adjacent to my crying son, listening to him scream bloody murder, watching the clock until i can go in to "soothe" him. another of the hardest things is seeing him so worked up that the "soothing" has little to no effect on him as he continues to wail.

but if the end result is that cute baby rapper in the second picture ... well i guess i can't complain. :)

Monday, January 24, 2011

the sock came back

my husband and i are on a gazelle-intense plan to pay off our consumer debt, so we've been pretty tight-fisted lately when it comes to our money. we recently got great news, though, about a huge promotion that my husband just received ... so we decided to take ourselves out to dinner on saturday night. nothing fancy, just a little treat to celebrate!

we packed john up to head to pimanyoli's. we'd never been there, but their barbecue got rave reviews (well-justified, by the way. if you're in baton rouge and want some tasty meat, pay them a visit!)

after a lovely dinner with a very well-behaved baby boy, we hauled our satiated selves back out to the car. a few steps away from our car, there is a baby sock laying in the middle of the parking lot with tire tread marks on it.

"oh, look," i said in a pitying way, "some poor baby is sockless!"

then my husband and i looked at each other. john is a pro sock remover. but surely - SURELY - i would have noticed if he'd shed a sock over an hour ago in the parking lot. right?

but we burrowed under his blanket to find his feet, and lo and behold - a bare right foot!

by now, i was laughing hysterically at the tire-marked sock that belonged not to some poor pitiful wretch but to my son. we picked it up to take it home to wash.

it's not the first time we've re-discovered a sock in a parking lot. on our thanksgiving journey to tennesee, we'd actually pulled out of a gas station parking lot when i noticed john was missing a sock. we circled around and found it just a few feet from the front door - he'd clearly shed it on our way back from a diaper change.

the good news is, apparently john's socks have homing devices in them, never to actually be lost. reminds me of the cat in that old song ... the sock came back, the very next day ...

but that might be the lack of sleep talking. more on that later.

Friday, January 21, 2011

in relentless pursuit of sleep

poor john has been sick all week. nothing too major, just that cough/cold combination that makes adults feel miserable - and i'm sure from his seven-month-old perspective it's even worse, since he doesn't even understand why he's so miserable. and i suppose he doesn't know if it will ever get better!

he went to daycare on wednesday and did ok, but yesterday he was running a fever so they sent him home. (his first-ever fever, it's worth noting.) the great news is that i think that little bit of fever was what he needed to kick the cold - he was playful and energetic all evening, happy and not coughing and sniffling nearly as much. the bad news is, being sent home with a fever means he can't go back to daycare until monday. so today we're taking shifts - i'm here with john for the morning, and my husband works a half-day on friday so he'll be home with him while i run to work for the afternoon.

this whole cold thing, by the way, has not helped our sleep deprivation one little teeny bit. the past week it's sort of all come to a head, with john and i up every 1.5 hours at MOST every night. i don't think we'd gotten more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep in three weeks until wednesday night.

wednesday night i was at wit's end, and we decided to try adding some rice cereal to john's night-time milk. a change of bedtime routine - he normally nurses before bed, and he'd have to take a bottle. but he didn't argue, happily took his rice-cereal-milk, and crashed. and you know what? he slept from 1130pm to 230am. nursed at 2:30 and slept til 5:30. nursed at 5:30 and slept til 7:15 when i had to get him up for school.

that may not sound like much, but i was feeling GREAT yesterday after two three-hour sleep sessions with only one little wakeup in between. the rice cereal had worked!!! i just about danced through the day.

but last night at bedtime, a snafu. he wanted NOTHING to do with a bottle. not from me, not from daddy. screamed, arched his back, cried, wiggled, hollered, squirmed, spit out the nipple. i felt like i was waterboarding my son. eventually i gave up and nursed him. "oh well," i thought. "we'll try again tomorrow ..."

by some act of god, though, he slept the same last night as he had on wednesday night. he was a little harder to put back down after our 3am feeding, but he slept for two three-hour stretches. and since i was staying home this morning, instead of getting him up for school i brought him into my bed to snuggle, and he's still sleeping there right now at 9:30 even as i type.

this is good on many fronts. 1) maybe we're finally getting out of the every hour pattern (maybe). he definitely was only waking up when he was hungry last night - and since he's been sick he's been eating less at a time, so he probably gets hungry quicker than when he's back to eating 5-6 ounces at a sitting. which leads me to ...

2) maybe once he's eating larger amounts again, the amount of time between waking will stretch from 3 hours ... maybe we can work towards 5-6 hours? maybe? is that a light i see at the end of the tunnel?

3) of course i can't leave out that the poor fellow is finally feeling better after a week of illness. mommy is happy to take a break from having to suck his brains out every couple of hours.

so i'm being optomistic but realistic, since i've learned in my short time as a mom that the only certainty is change. hopefully we're on the rebound, sleepwise. we'll probably have plenty of rough nights - did i mention the teeth still aren't breaking through, so we still have that to look forward to? but maybe just maybe my "great sleeping" baby is going to make an return appearance sometime in the near future.

a mom can hope.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

that's what pto is for, right?

so i'm on vacation!

ok not really. but i'm using paid time off (pto) to stay home with a sick baby boy, so i'm trying to make it sound more awesome.

poor kiddo has been sick since thursday, tho he got much worse overnight last night. good news is, doc says he just has a virus and we can keep an eye on him and he'll be ok. bad news is, he's fussier than i've ever seen him, and so congested that he can hardly sleep or eat. poor wee man!

on sunday, we left john with his auntie to have an adults-only afternoon at the couples wedding shower for some friends of ours. it was actually pretty great to to interact with other adults without a child on my hip - don't get me wrong, i love having him along at these types of events and he does great, but i'd sort of forgotten how nice it is to just have a glass of wine and chat with everyone else.

of course, i then let john stay up way past his bedtime that night, so i could spend some time with him. i missed the kid!

speaking of, he wants to go ask the nice man on the beach to give mama another mai tai, so i'll sign off here.

(just kidding. he wants milk of course. but it's not vacation without a man on a beach giving me mai tais, right?)

Thursday, January 13, 2011

on lullabies

i am not a singer.

if you've sat behind me in church, you know this to be true. (and i'm sorry.)

a musician, yes. a singer no.

and yet i find myself singing to john almost nonstop. and the beauty is, he seems to actually like it! (there's no accounting for taste. he also thinks i'm the most beautiful woman in the world. i'm no ogre, but i'm certainly not winning any beauty contests outside of my son's brain!)

and actually, i've written some lullabies for john that are pretty nice. and it made me think:

did your parents sing to you? do you remember what they sang, and better yet, if you have kids, do you sing the same songs to them? reply in the comments!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

5 1/3 hours

that's how long i got to sleep uninterrupted last night, thank you baby john!! and after so many nights of sleepus interruptus, that was an incredible luxury.

i actually had to wake john up later this morning after he'd gone back to sleep. and while he wasn't happy to wake up, soon i had this:
come on mom, let's go for a
run if you're so well-rested!
it's too early to hope last night was any more than a fluke. but i'll take it!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

john's mom, call on line two

scene: 7:15pm. driving home from the gym. inconsolable baby in the backseat, just out of reach, not being comforted by mom's attempts at singing. having an even tougher time because his tried-and-true-paci has been replaced by a "grown up" paci made for 3+ month old babies.

a mere mortal might be reduced to tears. might turn the radio up as loud as it goes and hope to get home quickly. (and in fact, some days, i am that mere mortal.)

tonight, fortunately, john's intrepid mom is no mere mortal. she thought, what better time to answer a friend's request for career advice? especially when said friend is in fact still at home on maternity leave with her not-quite-four-week-old baby?

so over john's wails, i dialed, thinking he might still settle in and fall asleep. and as soon as she answered, i explained to my friend that if she was willing to ignore the screaming lad in the background, i'd be happy to talk to her about the career path she's crafting for herself.

and talk we did. made the most of those ten minutes, i'd say. and no, john didn't fall asleep. and towards the end, the baby girl on the other end of the line was making some interesting noises too. but us moms managed our (professional) conversation.

ps. you're probably thinking of never taking my calls again. don't worry: you're probably not on my safe-to-call-when-baby's-screaming list. it's a short list. my husband's barely even on the list. so you can safely answer the phone, and if john gets to wailing, his mom will politely excuse herself and talk to you later.

Monday, January 10, 2011

mother-centric much?

so there is a silly somewhat funny website called "dear blank please blank." it includes short supposedly-pithy notes to random people or things, from random people or things. some of them are very funny. some of them are ... ehhhh.

one of them today got me thinking. it goes like this:

"dear mothers,
when your child is 23 months old, it would be easier and less annoying to just say it's 2 years old.
sincerely,
regrets asking"

aside from referring to the kid as "it" (come on - even if you don't like them you have to admit their human!) this raises an interesting point. yes, those months matter to ME, john's mom. and when he was just weeks old, those weeks mattered. but i can't imagine very many other people really care for that level of precision.

and really, i think this is only one symptom of a my-child-centeredness that i'd like to avoid. does that sound silly, coming from a gal who blogs under the psuedonym of johnsmom? i think the difference is that you, dear reader, choose to be here reading about john's mom. you're demonstrating that you care about my silly stories of milk travails and sleepless nights. heck, you might even care that john is 6-and-a-half months old, not 6 and not 7.

but the nice man in the grocery store? he's probably just being polite. he probably doesn't want to calculate how many months 27 weeks works out to. probably, if i said john was "about 7 months" that would be sufficient for him.

the moral of the story is this, i think: no matter what phase we happen to be in, in our lives, we'd be well-served to remember that not everyone else is where we are. share, make polite conversation, but save your in-depth month-counting for the people who choose to be a part of that scorekeeping.

(that would be you, dear reader. thanks for giving this mom an outlet!)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

the quest for a furry brother

gunter and john
when john was born, he came home to an awesome big brother named gunter. gunter was a 100lb+ lab mutt we adopted from a rescue agency back in 2005 in arizona. his age was never definite, but he was somewhere around 10 when his baby brother came home from the hospital. gunter was a hale and hearty old man, though, with no health problems and plenty of energy, so we had visions of john learning to walk by pulling up on the puppy. every day when john and i came home from work and school, gunter would come lick john's face and john would giggle.

unfortunately, back in early november, gunter fell suddenly drastically ill. he was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, and eight days after he first got sick, we had to put him down. fortunately he didn't suffer much - in fact, he was in great spirits and did pretty well that week. he spent his last day on the planet laying in the backyard in the sun with his family. it was terrible to say goodbye to this furry member of our family.

a little time has passed, and while we still miss gunter every day, we're ready to welcome a new furry brother into john's family. we've been perusing the websites, talking with rescue organizations, etc. we're on the hunt for a BIG lab or retriever mutt, which is surprisingly difficult to find here in baton rouge. there are lots of great dogs up for adoption in the 40-60 lb range, but we really just want another bruiser.

today we visited the denham springs animal shelter. they're a no-kill shelter with lots of awesome dogs ... but again no big guys or gals. we've also visit east baton rouge animal control, and the yelp house. and i can tell you this: there are some beauties out there. tons of them. beautiful dogs. if you're thinking of a dog in the baton rouge area, check these shelters out. just because we haven't found OUR new baby yet, doesn't mean your baby's not there waiting for you!

but for now ... our new furry family member is still out there waiting for us. we'll know when we find him/her. and we'll keep looking. because come on ... every little boy should have a beast he can lovingly climb, who will respond to a pulled tail by licking his face. or at least, my little boy wants that.

in loving memory of john's first big brother, the amazing gunter.

Friday, January 7, 2011

friday-itis

it's like senior-itis. you remember, when you were *this close* to being done with high school (or college) and it was soooooooo hard to get motivated to do the things you knew you needed to do?

so this blog entry is dedicated to friday-itis (and senior-itis) sufferers everywhere.

i am blessed in so many ways. today, i'm specifically thinking about how i have a job that i truly enjoy doing, with people who i genuinely like. i don't wake up and have that dread of going to work - though i am familiar with that dread, having had it at other times in my life. so why, today, did i so badly not want to leave the house???

it may have had something to do with this muss-haired kookaburra:

(just for reference, i just googled kookaburra to see what they look like. and they're muss-haired too! check out the one on the left - see the resemblance?)


i digress. (i do that a lot.) (i also use too many parenthetical references.)

john slept much better last night. one wake-up for a feeding, another where i did the paci-bear-iloveyou routine, otherwise he was out from 8:30 to 7 this morning. yay!

and he was in a great mood when he woke up, happy and snuggly. i nursed him and then picked him up to burp him, and he nestled down into my shoulder with his head tucked under my chin and went back to sleep. THAT was when i had my biggest i-don't-want-to-go-to-work moment.

but of course i snuggled him, then woke him up by singing the kookaburra song or some variant thereof. (we invented a bathtime kookaburra song last night. fun!) and i dressed him and it was off for another day of school.

but there is one compelling reason why friday-itis is much less hazardous than senior-itis: it can only last another 8 or so hours, and then it's the weekend. baby kookaburras around the world rejoice!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

the elusive queen mab

i am a firm believer in comeuppance. (/kə'məpəns/ noun: a punishment or fate someone deserves)

maybe you call it karma?

whatever it is, i'm getting mine.

i've bragged on john's sleeping ability since he was born. he was never that baby who was up every hour. he slept great even at a few days old. starting out, he'd sleep 3-4 hours at a time. not too bad for a new baby. then he graduated to 5-6 hours. by three months old, he was only waking up once a night, at about 3:30 a.m., for a feeding and snuggle session. he's never really napped much, just a few minutes at a time, but at night - great! "not too shabby," i thought. "my kid is a sleeping pro," i said aloud.

enter comeuppance.

john has forgotten how to sleep. i don't know if he's going through a growth spurt, or finally working on those teeth his gums have been promising, or suffering from some of his man-sized gas in a wee little belly, but for some reason, he's up every hour lately. (and for those of you saying, give that baby some rice cereal!: it's not hunger waking him up. more on that in a sec!)

at first, i indulged him. of course - he's six months old! that's what mamas do. but we're working on day nine of not sleeping more than two hours at a time, and you know what? mama's feeling less indulgent. as of tuesday night, i have a new plan.

if it's been more than three hours since he ate, of course i am going to feed him. but since he definitely isn't asking to be fed every hour during the day, there's no reason he needs to eat every hour at night. and most times, he's been taking three sips and conking out.

so instead, i sleepwalk into his room, put his paci in his mouth and his bear in his arms, say "i love you," and sleepwalk back to my bed. he doesn't keep crying. doesn't always go right back to sleep - then i'm back in in 20 minutes saying "i love you" as i replace the paci - but he doesn't keep squalling.

and i think, already, that we're making some progress. last night, he woke up once at about 12:30a.m. (more than three hours since bedtime, so i fed him and snuggled him back to sleep. ok so i fell asleep in the glider and woke up to put him in his crib at 1:30 a.m., but who's counting?)

then he was up again at about 2:30a.m.: paci, bear, "i love you." 2:45 a.m.: paci, bear, "i love you." then not a peep til 6 a.m. that's a victory, right?

so who knows when i'll get a full night's sleep again. but you know what? it's all relative. two three-hour naps has me bright-eyed and bushy-tailed compared to the past few days!

and one day, queen mab will again visit our household. and this time, i won't take her for granted. my comeuppance only has to come up once.

(see what i did there?)

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

c. jane

so one of the blogs i follow is a lovely lady known to the internet as c. jane. she rocks my socks. and today she has a guest blogger, her neighbor janna. janna is a social worker who has worked with all kinds of eating disorders and body image issues, and her post is on body image, etc. it has triggered quite an interesting conversation in the "pieces of opinion" comment section.

all my life but especially post-baby, body image is a major struggle for me (like most everyone, i think, when you get right down to it.) so whether you agree or disagree with janna, c. jane, or me, i think this is an awesome bit of conversation to hear and be a part of.

go here to read c. jane's blog.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

crying over spilt milk; or, the daily life of a dairy cow (part ii)

needless to say, after pumping three times a day in my office (or in a janitor's closet as the case may be!), that milk is a precious commodity. i've heard some moms refer to it as liquid gold, and i'll be honest with you here: it's not far from the truth. except it's gold that you extract from your own body every single day, so there's a certain extra attachment to it.

so one bleary-eyed morning, running late as always, i was i transferring milk into john's bottles to send along to school that day. rushing, i got ahead of myself, and i knocked over a bottle. a full, five-ounce bottle of milk splattered everywhere in my kitchen.

first of all, you have no idea how much surface area five ounces can cover. trust me, you're better off not trying this experiment at home.

second of all, all i could do was stand transfixed in the puddle i'd created. i was soaked to the skin (thinking "i'm even later now, gotta go change clothes ..." and now instead of having precisely the 20 ounces i knew john would drink that daycare, i was short. waaaaaayyy short. my child was going to starve.

while i tried to absorb what had just happened, poor husband walks in. seeing the tears welling in my eyes, he tried to make me feel better. "what's that old saying," he said, "about spilt milk ..."

i'm not proud to say that the words i shouted at him are not repeatable on a family blog and may or may not rhyme with "duck shoe." and i broke down into sobbing tears, devestated at what i perceived to be a mommy failure of epic proportions. i couldn't provide for my child's needs. what kind of mom was i?

of course, i got my act together. at my husband's suggestion, my til-then-only-breastfed son had one bottle of formula that day. and you know what? he was ok. he really was. and since then, there was another time that i left all my milk from a day of pumping at work overnight, and he had ONLY formula that day, heaven forfend! and he still survived.

so yes, now i can agree with my husband. the old saying is true, one should not cry over spilt milk. and i won't ... at least until the next time i decide to mop my floor with breastmilk.

Monday, January 3, 2011

it hurts me more than it hurts you

he killed me with cute earlier so i repaid him
by sucking his brains out.


the hardest  part of mommying, by far, for me, is when i have to do something to john that i know is in his best interest, but that in his undeveloped worldview amounts to torturing him. it started when we went back into the hospital for his jaundice - getting his little heel pricked 2-3 times a day so they could check the bilirubin levels, while he screamed bloody murder ... we got a little used to it, eventually: fewer screams and more whimpers from him, fewer tears and more grimaces from me.

and he's never liked having his nose cleaned out. can't imagine why - surely every newly sentient being should look forward to having a strange plastic bulb jacked into his unsuspecting nostril, and suction being applied to pull snot forcibly from his sinuses. that sounds like my idea of a day at the park, for sure.

and it only gets worse. now that he has more control over his body, he bucks and kicks, he tosses his head and smacks at my hands while i try to clean his little nose out. tonight he had me in tears, his pitiful horrible screams echoing endlessly through my ears as i tried to console him and tell him, "truly my love, i'm only trying to make you more comfortable, i promise you'll like the results." (note to self: reason is not a six-month-old's strong suit.)

he's sleeping now. amazing what a little "night-night milks" will help that same screaming six-month-old forgive. i always heard parents say "it hurts me more than it hurts you" but i never really understood that 'til now.

forgive your mama, john. she loves you so!

i am a twit.

i mean, i am on twitter.

@JohnsMomWorks

follow me if you like!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

another year already?

i am looking at a calendar in total shock right now, wondering: where on EARTH did 2010 go? oh, i know a good part of the answer. it went into the little man who's currently sitting on his daddy's lap enjoying the saints football game on tv. (cute moments abound!)

but despite all i have to show for the last year, i still can't quite wrap my brain around the fact that a new year has begun. i don't really go in for new year's resolutions, but i am making one this year:

don't be surprised by daycare holiday closures in 2011.

it's sorta funny, because i try hard to plan ahead for all contingencies. and if you know my husband, you know he's the king of plan ahead (thank god). and i certainly value all the fine ladies at daycare that take such awesome care of my bug while i work - and i definitely think they deserve to spend the holiday season with their own families! so why did it not even cross my mind that maybe, just maybe, the daycare would be closed some extra days that (gasp!) might not coincide with my holidays from work!

take this year. daycare was closed friday, december 24 (of course, it's christmas eve!). and fortunately, i was off that day, so it was easy. but did you know they were also closed for monday, december 27?  no? neither did i! fortunately they post signs all over the daycare, so i wasn't caught TOO off-guard ... and even more fortunately, between my husband and i we were either off or able to take off. so it wasn't a big deal.

but the moral of the story is, even when we plan ahead, even when we think we've taken everything into account, being a mom knocks me off balance nearly every single day. even something as simple as a holiday can throw me off.

but you know what?

i wouldn't change it for a thing.

happy new year to you all!