john's mom works

this is 38. grocery store sushi and cake, 8pm, alone. and for a minute, i let it feel every bit that sad and blue. because honestly, sometimes things feel sad and blue. and one thing i am learning is that i can't deny that sad and blue. i gotta sit with it, feel it, cry a tear or three in my mediocre cake, and just be. this is 38. i am not 100% sure what i expected, but i had high hopes of a lovely birthday evening with my fellas, and instead i picked up the three crankiest angriest bullyingest boys in the universe when i went to the daycare. they were mean to each other and didn't want anything to do with anything i had to say. and instead of enjoying hanging out, we argued and fought and they went to bed unhappy and i sat down for my un-exciting birthday dinner, alone. but another thing i am learning is that routine is my friend. so i started my evening routine, finding my rhythm. a few minutes of sweeping and cleaning. a few minutes of prep for tomorrow, lunch...

the cause of - and solution to - most of my life's frustrations. i did not ring in the new year as i had hoped. in fact, i did not ring in the new year at all. the new year arrived somewhere in between rounds of charlie in his bedroom door screaming "me want to go downstairs!" and me, patiently as i could muster, placing him gently back in his bed and telling him i loved him, goodnight. i finally collapsed in my bed around 2:30 a.m. after he finally, FINALLY, fell into a mommy-milk induced sleep and let me place him in his bed to stay. my last thought was a whispered prayer that please may these children sleep. at 7:11 a.m., the tiniest feet in the house padded next to my bedside and asked to sleep with me, which translated to throwing elle belle at daddy and eating my chapstick. so much for sleep. and i was mad. i didn't yell at charlie, but i did grump at both he and john to go upstairs and play. and when my husband got up to tend to them a wh...

left: diligently removing pjs one foot at a time.  right: dirt is a boy's best friend. today in dfw, a beautiful week-old baby girl is being laid to rest by her aching family. and today in dfw, the grey sky and chilling rain seem a perfect reflection of the sympathetic ache felt by anyone who hears this family's story. may they be uplifted by prayers and love from far and wide that somehow, somewhere, they might find some peace. *  *  * sometimes god and his universe conspire to give you exactly what you need. today it is the weather that gives expression to my emotions. sometimes you need that mourning. last week, it was a relatively simple message from a facebook friend who posted this thought: our children need our love the most when they deserve it least. i won't try to attribute that one -- many very wise folks have said similar things and i'm probably misquoting anyway. but it rang in my head as i reflected on john's behavior...

my beautiful bitty. this was going to be a post about my wonderful day on martin luther king day, and how charlie and i spent our day as a "nursing holiday" and had such a great time. instead, i would like to tell you the story of the scariest night in my life as a mom. most importantly, everyone is ok, uninjured, and totally fine. know that right up front. yesterday a little after 5:30pm, i was walking through the living room carrying charlie when i tripped. and i dropped charlie. he hit the ground with the most horrible thud i have ever heard in my life. and he instantly started screaming, which i know is actually a good sign. so i scooped him him up to comfort him and calm him. he was breathing VERY fast, so i tried to nurse him, thinking that would help calm him down. he wanted none of it ... and then he just went limp and stopped. no crying. no wiggling. completely nonresponsive. i immediately called 911. they dispatched an ambulance and whil...

a day that started out as silly hair day got  somewhat more interesting after school. today was silly hair day at school. because he is a rock star, john wore a mohawk - and wore it well, i might add. the view after school, was a little different. here is the story of how john met some firemen. when we ran out of school this afternoon, john climbed into his seat. he insisted on helping buckle himself, as usual, but it still took both my hands to get him strapped in and cinched down. realizing i had neglected to get the list of names of kids in his class, i told john, "i am going to run back inside real quick, i will be right back!" he said, "ok!" so i closed the door. and realized i left my key on the seat next to him when i buckled him up. i tried to open the door. it was locked. another parent was there with me, and i turned to her and said, "who do i call for something like this? the sherriff's office maybe?" as i ran ...

the lighting in ihop leaves a little to be desired ... but my company at breakfast was perfect. i told myself i would take it easy this weekend. after all, i had surgery - albeit very minor - on friday morning, so i would need all the rest and laying around i could get, right?  but saturday morning, i woke up feeling REALLY good. pretty much normal, actually. and when i saw a commercial on tv for ihop and their pumpkin pancakes, i couldn't resist ... so we headed off for delicious pancake breakfast. and, despite having to wait about 20 minutes, we actually had a great family breakfast. john got his very own plate of silver-dollar pancakes, eggs, and bacon, so goodness knows he was happy. and after breakfast, it was off for a haircut for my shaggy-haired little monster. he didn't like it much - did a lot of wiggling - but at least he didn't cry the whole time like he did last time. and that was a MIGHTY full morning for a wee peanut, so he crashed hard on the ...

the renowned artist, mr. chuck e. cheese, was kind enough to sketch john and myself. john was invited to not one but two birthday parties this past weekend. talk about being in demand! he's apparently quite a hit in the two to three year old set. once john had accepted the invitations (without hesitation - these are his FRIENDS, after all!), the next step was procuring presents. it is remarkably challenging to pick out a birthday present for a toddler you don't know well. i received all kinds of advice. "you know what john likes, buy something he would want!" or, "you can't go wrong with elmo." or "pick something low-key, like puzzles." the only certainty: nothing that makes electronic noise of any kind. so our family field-tripped to toys 'r' us friday night. we wandered the aisles for what seemed like days. thomas the really useful engine, you say? good luck finding ANYTHING under $20. how about sesame street? there ARE s...

sleepy face smiling. it's funny how the older john gets, and the more time spent with him is "quality time," the more my other priorities seem to shift. i guess that's probably a universal thing all mamas (all parents) go through, but it really hit home for me today. this morning i got up at 5 - the required time to get to the gym in time to get to work on time. i almost didn't get out of bed. i was so tired, and my husband was sleeping so snug next to me. i lay there and i thought about how i could just adjust my alarm and go back to sleep, and hit the gym after work. and then i remembered last night. last night was a good night, don't get me wrong - but by the time my husband and i had both fit in our exercise (i ran with john and buddy, husband went to the gym), it was pretty much time to put john to bed. and there we were at 8pm cooking dinner, and realizing we didn't have a key ingredient, and oh the ground beef was still frozen, so chinese...

here it is - a brief and totally not comprehensive list of things no one told me about being a mother. 1. the bedroom will become a parking garage. evidence here: i'm only the surprised the mower isn't parked in the third bay. 2. it doesn't matter what side of the bed you wake up on - it matters what side of the crib your child wakes up on. 3. no matter what the question is, the answer is no. (no, i'm not strict. the child's the one saying no.) 3a. even if the answer is yes, the answer will be no when you give your child whatever he said yes to. 4. the greatest moment of your day will come when your child asks you to sing a lullabye. 5. get used to sippy cups as a fashion accessory. you'll be bringing one into the office every day so it doesn't go bad in your car during the day, and so your child can have a drink on the drive home. 6. when you ask your child to count, it's best to specifiy, "start with 1!" 7. wh...

whatever you do, please do not tell john that that's not a cupcake. it's a cupcake, ok? so yesterday was mother's day (did you notice? ha!) and we had an altogether lovely day. an altogether lovely weekend, actually, with no one sick and everyone in a good mood and even with some extra sleep. (john slept til 9am on saturday and took three-hour naps both days. that makes for some good rest-time for the mama and daddy too!) it was wonderful to spend time with my family, and to see extended family for a tasty mother's day dinner last night. this is the third mother's day that i've been a mom - including when john was in my belly, i mean - yet i still haven't quite gotten used to being celebrated on mother's day. of course, being a mom is probably my very favorite thing that i am. but it still seems like someone else's holiday - when i should celebrate my mom, grandmothers, aunts, etc. even as he was going to bed last night, john said to m...

john getting himself ready for school. is it vain or shallow for me to be sad that i had to undo my purple hair last night? i'm struggling a little bit with why i care so much. (yesterday i was informed that company policy forbids non-natural colored hair. that's not how i read the policy - i checked before the dye job - but of course i am not going to fight it and so i dyed it brownish reddish something or other last night.) it shouldn't matter to me what color my hair is. i know who i am in my heart. i know that i am a little bit rockstar, even if i don't have rockstar color in my hair. (and john knows it too - i asked him if mommy was still rockstar and he said YES!) heck, it doesn't matter if i have hair at all - i have shaved it all off before and still felt beautiful and feminine. and it's not as though my hair looks awful now - it's just much more normal.  i think i just feel sad because i was so excited about this particular self-expr...

if you known me awhile, you know my quest for anime hair is not new. but this is my most recent effort. i've been thinking a lot about dichotomy lately. a million-years-ago boyfriend introduced me to the concept and i promptly fell in love - with the boy, and with dichotomy. i've always loved the contrasts that come to mind when i think of dichotomy. look at me - hardworking, accomplished professional/devoted loving mom. freewheeling creative/analytical numbers nerd. brash, cocky go-getter/nervous self-conscious procrastinator. grammar nazi/hater of capital letters. innate musician/dancer with no rhythm. animal lover/devoted omnivore with carnivorous tendencies. the list goes on and on. but - and perhaps this is just age talking - as time goes on, i'm beginning to think these aren't so much dichotomies as spectra. and instead of trying to eradicate the less-desirable half of the dichotomy, perhaps it's about learning to use all those endpoints as tools, ...

his hair is fixed. it's very short. my baby is not a baby. he's a little boy. it's official now. the dividing line? this haircut. and that he was drinking from a big boy cup right after these pictures. ::sigh:: they grow so fast ...

i cried this morning. a lot. it is always a little hard for me to acknowledge my failures. i am a success-oriented type of person. i do a lot of things very well, and i take pride in a job well done. i am a great many things, and i am good at most of them. there are some things i am not. and when i'm not, i'm REALLY not. i even fail spectacularly. i am NOT a barber. this poor child. it seemed so simple. trim straight across the back of his head to get rid of the rat tail. that's all. a few straight snips. two things i did not consider: john has never sat still for a moment of his life. of course when i try to cut his hair, he practices nodding, and looking up at the ceiling and down at the floor. i am not a barber. i cried hard. needless to say, we will be stopping by somewhere after work to get it fixed. and i will never - NEVER - i solemnly swear NEVER - take a scissors to my child's hair ever again. never.

have i used this pic before? this is how i felt last night. when i got home from work last night, buddy was out of his kennel.  back about nine months ago, he broke out of and destroyed not one but two wire kennels. so we switched to the plastic travel-style kennel, and he's been great ever since then. until now. i'm pretty sure it was the thunderstorms we've had lately that spooked him, but now that he's figured out how to get out, there's no keeping him in - even when he's not freaked. my husband was at a meeting until late last night, and between being awake since 3:30am (see yesterday's blog) and finding the dog out of his kennel and being afraid to leave the dog in the house alone while i went for a run with john, i pretty much had a meltdown. i believe my text to my husband said, "i am not ok. please call me." while i waited for him to call me back, i decided i was going for a run with buddy AND john. no, i've never successfully d...

 the sleeping positions of a reluctant waker it's probably a pretty universal thing for households with children that mornings are a little chaotic. there are two types of mornings at our house: mornings that mommy's going to the gym, and morning's when we just have to be at daycare by 8:30am so john can eat his second breakfast of the day. either way, mornings are usually pretty full. full of fun things, true - like john running around yelling "airplane! airplane!" because he threw the airplane puzzle piece in the bathtub and can't reach it. or the dog jumping up and putting muddy paw prints on mommy's work pants. or the realization at the gym that mom managed to pack two different shoes and no underwear, so there's an unscheduled stop hope before work. this morning promised to be no different. my husband and i slept far later than we should have. it was lovely, but underlying the peace was the understanding that i'd have to hit the grou...

yesterday, i heard a terrible story about a family who were in a car accident at christmas time. both parents were very badly injured, their three-year-old son was mildly injured, and their 18-month-old son was killed. i cried. i cried so hard and my heart hurts so much. their son colum was a precious little tow-headed boy like john. and only three weeks younger than my little man. (if you would like to read their inspiring and heartrending story, click here .) and as i finished reading their blog, all i wanted to do was pick up my john john and hug him and smell him and feel his warm little wiggly body and hear him say "momma" fifty-two times on the drive home. and i had an epiphany. THAT is why i started this blog. to capture those moments, those smiles, those smells, those words. to have some kind of tangible proof of who my bug was when he was small. and, good lord willing, i will still have him when he is big, but oh, how precious that documentation will be. and wi...

pic of the day: day 28 only a rare few climbers have ever successfully summitted mt. mommy, but john's determination pays off. his climb was done without the aid of oxygen. sometimes, i forget. i forget that i can no longer pack 8 hours before i get on an airplane to go on a trip. i forget that one little carry-on bag will no longer hold everything i need for a long weekend. (i forget that i can't hit snooze 4 times and still expect to get everything done in the morning.) i guess when you spend 29 years NOT packing for a baby, you have lots of practice not-packing-for-a-baby. so tonight, i will go home and pack ... lots of stuff. thank you, southwest airlines, for allowing me to have to free checked bags. i will need them! we're heading to gigi and great grandpa's house in florida this weekend, for passover*. it will be tons of family jammed into a little 3-bedroom condo. and it will be fantastic! and john will have lots of people to play with. and lots of ...

pic of the day: day 24 baby godzilla wreaks havoc on the changing table   it is truly phenomenal how much a 16+ lb baby boy can get into in a brief period of time ... especially considering his little scooty-booty version of crawling doesn't allow him to move very fast. but in the two hours he was awake before we left the house this morning, he found and tried to eat or drum with the following: daddy's running shoes (drumming) daddy's shoe insoles (eating then drumming) the diaper wipes, diapers, pacifier, and nose bulb on his changing table (alternately eating and drumming) (see above) a gossip magazine (tearing to shreds) another gossip magazine (tearing to shreds and eating) (fyi: for some mysterious reason i have a subscription to "ok" magazine that i'm pretty sure i never paid for. i've had it for almost a year now. i wouldn't pay for it ... but if it comes to my mailbox free i can guiltily indulge. so if you sent it to me, thanks. and if ...

pic of the day: day 16 step 1: happy baby playing on mom & dad's bed  step 2: happy baby sees something he wants and launches himself off the bed to get it. (don't worry, mom was prepared to catch him)    step 3: happy baby educates himself on the mechanics of smart financial decision making.  this morning, john took a terrifying dive off of our bed. fortunately, i was waiting to catch him, knowing full well he was about to commando crawl himself off the edge of the bed. he had caught sight of something he wanted, and when he wants something, nothing gets in my baby's way - not even a two-foot drop off the bed. i am going to have to watch this child. carefully. he is afraid of nothing. i have visions of swinging from chandeliers and ceiling fans when mom and dad turn their backs for even a moment. look out, world, john is all boy! interestingly, the item that was worth diving off the bed to reach was a book. specifically,...