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torn

pic of the day: day 15
commando-crawling may not be as efficient as regular
crawling. but it's much more effective for sneaking up
on your target: mom's shoes (just out of frame)

fyi: if you have the natalie imbruglia song "torn" on your itunes, it would be appropriate to play it right now as you read this post.

as john commando-crawled across the floor to try to get my shoes this morning, i found my self full of very ambivalent feelings.

pride. i am so proud of my little man, learning so much so fast and being so curious and engaged in the world.

excitement. he's crawling now, he'll be walking soon, he'll be talking soon, i'll get to know him even better as he devlops!

trepidation. our house really isn't a safe enough place for him yet. there's so much to do before he can just wander around without uncessarily hurting himself.

understanding. he IS going to hurt himself. it's just my job to help minimize the damage.

amazement. this is that little kicking critter that rode around in my belly for 9 months, continuing the inevitable march to autonomy.

sadness. this is one tiny step towards john not being my "baby" anymore. he already has so many characteristics that are more toddler than baby. i will miss that little helpless snuggleworm nestled against me ...

happiness. we have so many fun activities ahead of us, so much life to live together, this little man just fills my heart so.

i'm sure john's daddy could add even more words, too. we're so overwhelmed every day at this little human being who shares our lives now. he is so alive, so vibrant, so perfect. (no, he's not really perfect, but he is so ... unsullied? unscarred? undamaged?)

i say this so often it has become trite. but i will say it again nonetheless:
i have been blessed with the opportunity to do many awesome things in my life. i have gone to very cool places and had incredible experiences. but the most amazing thing - the most fulfilling thing - the most mind-boggling thing - i have ever done is becoming a parent.
and just think: we're only 9 months in to a lifelong ride.

ps. a note to my husband, who would never say so but i bet sometimes feels less important because i'm so in love with the little man: thank you so very much for helping me create our son, and for molding and raising him with me. you're a great husband, a great daddy, a great friend, a great partner. it ain't always easy, for sure, but it is always always worth it.
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