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things no one told me

here it is - a brief and totally not comprehensive list of things no one told me about being a mother.

1. the bedroom will become a parking garage. evidence here:

i'm only the surprised the mower isn't
parked in the third bay.

2. it doesn't matter what side of the bed you wake up on - it matters what side of the crib your child wakes up on.

3. no matter what the question is, the answer is no. (no, i'm not strict. the child's the one saying no.)

3a. even if the answer is yes, the answer will be no when you give your child whatever he said yes to.

4. the greatest moment of your day will come when your child asks you to sing a lullabye.

5. get used to sippy cups as a fashion accessory. you'll be bringing one into the office every day so it doesn't go bad in your car during the day, and so your child can have a drink on the drive home.

6. when you ask your child to count, it's best to specifiy, "start with 1!"

7. when you ask your child to sing the abcs, don't be surprised when it comes out to the tune of itsy bitsy spider and the lyrics are "abc abc abc j!"

8. do not, under any circumstances, jokingly mention ice cream and cake. these are not to be mentioned unless they are forthcoming. EVER.

8a. after ice cream and cake, expect to hear about "happy birthday cupcakes" for a week. do not acknowledge - see 8.

9. all moms are bilingual. in my case, i speak johnese.

10. despite your earlier protestations to the contrary, the sight of your child happily watching television on the couch will lighten your heart - especially when the alternative is your child throwing bananas at the dog. evidence below:


just kickin' it with some milk,
watchin' some elmo.

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