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hard news

more precious than ever
i have rewritten this post about six times already, because it is diametrically opposite what i had hoped to share this week. i had hoped to share our excitement and joy that we were eight weeks pregnant and expanding our family. instead, we learned tuesday that our baby is not viable, and that we will lose it.

i debated whether to write this post at all. but ultimately, i decided that this blog has always been intended as an honest discussion of our victories and defeats in the balancing act that is our life. i couldn't NOT include this difficult time and still tell the whole story.

and we do not talk about miscarriages in our culture. and i understand why - it is sad, and it is hard, and it is a loss. and so often it comes wrapped up in fear - that you won't be able to successfully bear children, that you will "fail" at procreating - and in self-doubt - what did i do wrong? and so until you experience a miscarriage, you don't realize that a huge percentage of the women around you have probably been there. and then there comes a pouring out of support and love, which is amazing.

so. i do not want this to become a miscarriage blog. there are plenty of amazing resources out there on the web that already fit that niche. but the conception and eventual loss of this baby is a part of the story of john's family, so here is what i know right now:
  • i know that my ultrasound on tuesday showed that the baby basically never really got started developing. most likely, it was due to a failure of the genetic material to work properly, but we will never know for sure. i have not miscarried yet, but i will sometime in the coming days/weeks. we have decided to try to let it happen naturally, because that is most compatible with my belief that my body is an amazing machine designed to go through a process and i want to let it have a chance to do just that. if i change my mind, or if too much time passes, i will undergo a procedure to take care of the process medically. overall, there is no medical threat to me. 
  • i know that the next days/weeks will probably be a wild rollercoaster of emotions and yes, hormones. technically i am still pregnant. if you've ever been around a pregnant woman for an extended period of time, you know what that means.
  • i know that we are immensely, hugely, amazingly blessed. the community of our family, friends, coworkers, etc. have been so supportive these past 48 hours. i have been wrapped - sometimes literally (more on that in a sec) - in love and prayers and faith and care. 
  • i know that i value john even more than ever before. how can i look at that crazy sweet face and not be reminded that it is an utter miracle that he - that any child - DID come out right? the process is amazing and humbling and beautiful, and i have never felt that more poignantly than right now.
  • i know that we will be ok. my husband is the most amazingly supportive person i could ask for on my team right now. we will get through this, and somewhere down the line this will be but a blip (a sad, difficult blip, but a blip) in the history of our family. there will be another baby. and that is the baby that we are supposed to have. i can't wait to one day meet him/her and know that all is right.
  • i know that i will be all over the place, emotionally, for the next little while. if you interact with me and i am crazy, please forgive me and know that my sanity will return. i am ok right now, today, as i type this blog. in three minutes i might not be ok. when the miscarriage or procedure comes, i am sure i will not be ok. but i will get ok.
  • i know that yesterday i received one of the most powerful gifts i have ever received in my life. i was given a prayer shawl at our church, that was hand-knit by a group i didn't even know existed. they knit these shawls, not knowing who will receive them or what the need will be, but with love and prayers in every stitch, so that the recipient can literally wrap themselves in the love and comfort and protection that shawl offers. i am humbled, awed, and touched to receive one, and i am certain i will use it a lot in the coming days to provide a "hug" for myself when i am having a rocky time.
and for now, that is enough words from me. 
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Comments

DeAnne said…
Jess - you are such an amazing, strong woman with a heart of gold. I am so sad to hear what you J-cubed is going through (Blogger won't let me superscript the 3 to accurately represent the exponent). And additionally sad because you are no longer here for me to give you a hug and help where I can. You are right - society doesn't speak much of miscarriages because they are painful and evoke such feelings of loss. And you right on another point that once someone reveals that is their situation the support pours from other women who have had the same things occur in their lives - but never spoke of it. In our process over the years before we had Zachary I had four miscarriages. Every single one of them was a result of the combination of my low body temperature and hormone wonkiness - making the environment for a viable baby impossible. Once that was finally determined we got Zachary - with medications and temperature charts and a LOT of rest. When it was time for us to try again all of the appointments were made and we were ready for the long process we had already experienced. To our surprise and joy - I was ALREADY pregnant with Emma! Our bodies are indeed wonderful machines that know what they need. Your faith will, as always, be your rock with your family. Through these next days and weeks be whomever and however you need to be - we all love you and are praying for J-cubed! :)
September 20, 2012 at 12:40 PM
C Golightly said…
I am sad for your miscarriage but was so blessed to see our church family in action up close and personal. The shawls are a beautiful ministry in our church. It was powerful to witness the praying and giving of the shawl. My mother in law was given one and used it many times before she passed on.
Was thinking of you after Wednesday and looked you up on FB and found your website. I blog as well and it is extremely cathartic for me to write my journey as well. Blessings to you!
September 22, 2012 at 7:45 AM
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