just what i needed

looking at the bright side of his cracker.

a little background: the past couple mornings have not been john's most shining moments. he's been grumpy and cranky and fully of crying jags and yelling fits. he shapes up before we get to school, but most mornings this week have been a battle zone.

but not this morning. this morning, he was great. he was easy-going and sweet and gave hugs and told me he wanted to go to school instead of telling me he wanted to stay home. he was a dream. and that was just what i needed.

see, the other day we got some bizarre news about my pregnancy. basically, when you have a negative blood type mother (me) and a positive blood type father (my husband), there's a possibility that the mother can develop antibodies that will fight against future babies that have positive blood types. they have a shot that they give to prevent those antibodies from developing, and i got that shot during and after my pregnancy with john.

but somehow or other, i seem to have developed those antibodies anyway. so i will have to see a maternal fetal specialist for close monitoring and extra blood tests to make sure that the baby is healthy.

we'll know a lot more once we see the specialist in april. but for now, there's lots of good news. first, the baby will ultimately be just fine. it could be a bumpy pregnancy and even a bumpy early few days of this kiddo's life, but the outcome will be good. second, if the baby has a negative blood type like me, there will be no complications at all. third, there's no health risk to me.

still and all, this is a lot to digest. and i confess that i've done more google research than is healthy for any medical condition - i don't recommend it, as you'll just scare the crap out of yourself. the web will tell you that the common cold is the onset of the bubonic plague and you're going to die in an hour. 

so this morning at two a.m., buddy barked and woke me up, and i proceeded to lay in bed stewing and stewing over all of this. running scenarios and ideas that are really quite silly, because i don't even have info from the doc yet. it's all what-ifs, but it still kept me from sleeping a good part of the night.

i'd finally fallen back asleep just an hour or so before the alarm went of. needless to say, i didn't have a lot of emotional reserves this morning.

so we come back full circle to just what i needed. a sweet boy wanting to snuggle and play. a caring husband who assures me that all is well and BEGS me to stop researching on google. and a for-now healthy baby in my tummy that will, even if we have to walk a crazy few months together, be healthy in the end as well.

* * *

and now, i will work on letting go. i hear that the 12 steppers talk about "giving it over." and that's just what i need to do. there is no further knowledge to be garnered until i see the specialist. there's nothing i can do to make this better or worse. so i will work on not worrying. i will work on taking a breath and taking as much care of myself as possible so the environment for this baby and for my already-here family is as healthy and peaceful as possible.

and i will work on letting go.