in june 2010, our lives got turned upside down in the best possible way: the birth of our awesome kiddo, john. in october 2013, brother charlie charged into our life to change the status quo again. and june 2016 brought us brother ben to round out our trio.

i'm proud to have "mom" at the top of the list of titles on my resume, but i'm also still a hard-working professional. how does a working mom juggle work and family? ride along with me and see if i can figure it out!

Monday, October 8, 2012

losing my mind

boy's best friend

so, a confession first: i am losing my mind. it seems that my poor little brain has reached its capacity or something, because the degree to which i am successfully navigating this "balancing act" is rapidly decreasing lately.

this afternoon right about the time i finished posting my earlier blog, i suddenly stopped in my tracks, virtually paralyzed. the overwhelming thought that filled my mind was: you didn't let buddy back into the house this morning. i wracked my brain - could i come up with one little glimmer of a memory of latching him safely into his kennel? or even letting him in the back door? but try as i might, there was no such glimmer. i quickly became convinced that buddy was in the backyard alone all day.

for some dogs, that wouldn't be a problem. plenty of dogs spend most of their time outside. but buddy is first NOT an outside dog. he likes to go outside to play, but not to stay. he belongs inside. and second, he's so afraid of noises, of strangers, of weather, that it wouldn't take much for buddy to get so afraid that he could find the superhuman (superdoggy?) strength and leap over the fence and be gone.

so i left work in a frenzy, speeding as fast as i could legally/safely manage down a traffic-laden airline highway. and about halfway along, an even more horrible thought struck me: buddy's ID and vaccination tags were sitting on my dresser, where they had pulled loose and never been reattached. so if poor scared buddy got out, no one could even identify him to get him back to us.

on the edge of tears, i parked in the garage and raced into the house. from across the kitchen i could see the back door was unlocked, but there was no buddy by the back door. the unlocked door meant surely i'd left it, intending to let him in, but never did. i bolted out the door to the backyard ... empty. i ran around the yard yelling buddy's name like an idiot - as if he'd hear me and come running back, leaping over the fence to return home. 

i didn't know what to do. i was terrified. how would i find him? what would i do? one step below panic, i kicked my shoes off on the porch and sprinted inside. i guess i should call my husband and then start canvassing the neighborhood.

but wait. one last thought - i should check buddy's kennel. just in case. just in case, on a vague hope that he was there. so i raced, sobbing, to the laundry room, and flipped on the light ...

... just in time to hear a whine and the rattle of his feet on the floor of his crate. and there were those big brown eyes, looking at me and saying something i would translate roughly as "what the hell is wrong with you, crazy woman?"

i let him out of his cage and hugged him and cried. and he wouldn't let me out of his sight for the rest of the afternoon.

so thank goodness, all is well. but i have got to -GOT TO - find some ways to get myself together a little better. i have got to figure out how to get out of the house without forgetting to lock doors, turn off lights, let the dog in. i'm hoping tomorrow's doctor's appointment will be one step toward clearing some space in my brain. because right now ... well, right now, i'm dropping the ball.

sorry, buddy.

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